Cake and Eat It...

Choosing a direction

2009-05-09T08:39:00.002+01:00

Wow. It’s been over four months since I last posted to my blog. I’ve got to say it’s been a really hard four months too. That’s mainly why I’ve not posted. This blog was pretty much just becoming me whinging. Which is fine to an extent - my IE journey will inevitably have as many ‘downs’ as ‘ups’ - but it was draining me somewhat.

So the stuff that’s happened in the past few months? February saw me get made redundant - and I still don’t have a job now. March saw me turn 30 - the age where subconsciously I thought I’d be ‘sorted’. And April saw me fracturing my elbow whilst ice skating - giving my confidence a good old knock along with my right arm. So where does that leave me here in May? Still nursing a broken arm, still job hunting and feeling overweight and panicky. It’s also less than two weeks until my wedding anniversary - and memories of walking down the aisle in my size 10 gown feeling truly beautiful. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to look or feel that good again (though realistically wedding dresses are unlikely to become a stable feature in my wardrobe).

So here I am. Wanting to sort myself out ‘once and for all’. Standing on a cross drawn in the sand - the four lines pointing to dieting, healthy eating, staying fat and intuitive eating respectively. Needing to make a choice but scared I’ll make the wrong one - not fully confident that any of them is truly doable. The North and South of dieting and staying fat - polar opposites and yet potentially ultimately part of the same vicious circle - scare me most of all. I can’t go back to counting calories and yet I can’t stay here uncomfortable, physically and mentally, in my body. To the East and West are intuitive eating and healthy eating - again, for me, simultaneously synonyms and antonyms. Until now, my efforts in intuitive eating have led to very UNhealthy eating - too much sugar, salt and fat to make me feel good. But maybe ‘effort’ is the key word there. Trying to ‘do’ IE like I might ‘do’ a diet. That’s maybe where I’m falling down. Making myself equally obsessed with food and eating rituals and body image as I was pre-IE. Which makes it not very intuitive at all - just making it an excuse to stuff my face as a way of sticking two fingers up at the dieting industry just because I’m ‘allowed’.

It’s time to take a deep breath and start again. No...not start again...continue on. Making intuitive eating more about the ‘intuitive’ and less about the ‘eating’. Gently, slowly and supporting myself all the way, enjoying the scenery as I go.

Athbhliain faoi mhaise daoibh

2009-01-02T13:24:00.002Z

The title of this post is Irish/Gaelic for Happy New Year. I'm not Irish but since this post is a combination of my visit to Ireland and the transition to a new year - it seemed appropriate.

S and I have just returned from a four day trip to County Kerry in Ireland. We nearly missed our flight on Sunday. Ryanair had less than half their baggage check-in desks open at Stansted and it was chaos. We just about made it but it nearly killed me having to run all the way to our gate for departure. I'm hoping to move more this year - I'm so unfit and getting pretty fed up of it.

The purpose for our trip was our friends were getting married on Tuesday. The wedding was lovely and a good time was had by most I think. I had a new dress which I loved. However, it was slightly too tight across the bust and once we had eaten I felt so uncomfortable I could barely breathe. I ended up having to go and get changed (luckily we were staying the night in the hotel where the reception was) into trousers, a top and a more comfortable bra. I felt better for having done that but it did leave me feeling fat and unattractive and was the start of me feeling low - this kind of spoiled the rest of the evening somewhat for me and, almost certainly, S. I didn't really overeat and I managed to get to the bottom of what was really going on, which wasn't actually my weight (although I was annoyed with myself for not buying a bigger dress). I still need to work on the real issue - which is basically that certain events and times of the year bring my down because they remind me that my life is not moving forward or changing and it seems like everyone else's is (weddings and births are hard - and given my age, there's a lot of both in my peer group!).

We managed to have a couple of trips out during our stay. We visited the Rock of Cashel, Tipperary (it might be a long way to go but it's not very exciting), Killarney, and Kenmare. We drove part of the Ring of Kerry yesterday and the scenery was breathtaking - just a shame it wasn't summer to enjoy it more fully. Given the hideous exchange rate at the moment, it's worked out a pretty expensive trip, but it was still nice to get a break.

New Year's Eve, we had planned to join the bride and groom and some of their friends and her family in a local pub to celebrate Irish-style. But frankly we were so tired, we weren't up for it. We were staying in a holiday cottage with the groom's brother (a very good friend of ours) and his parents. So the five of us got some takeout and then, after our curry, we toasted the New Year in with a cup of tea each! Party on!

So, now it's 2009. This is the time of year I'd normally be getting out fresh notebooks and listing my resolutions. More exercise and lose weight are normally the top two. This year I'm not going to make those resolutions. I still want those things - I won't deny that I do. I don't like being this big. I don't like being this unfit. But resolutions are effectively rules - and they don't work! Don't get me wrong, there's still a wee part of me that's calculating how much weight I can lose by my 30th birthday at the end of March (at least a stone surely?), but I've decided that if any resolution at all, I'd like it to be that I'm nicer to myself.

Shiny

2008-12-27T15:21:00.004Z

I realise that my blog does seem to be a little doom and gloom at the moment whilst I'm desperately trying to clamber back up into the saddle of the IE horse.

Positive thinking does help to breed more positive thinking though. One of the things which has helped me in the past has been a positive thoughts journal in which I wrote about either something I loved generally (e.g. a TV show or a favourite product) or something good that had happened that day. I've decided to pick that up again but in the form of another blog which I have called Shiny. It's not directly related to intuitive eating - it's a lot more general - but hopeful it will help with the 'feeling good about myself and my life' thing!

Christmas

2008-12-27T14:42:00.004Z

Why is it that Christmas just makes me want to overeat? There's always plenty of food around so it's not like I'm going to go without - but I seem to have single handedly munched my way through most of two big boxes of chocolate biscuits. I am one of the people that the stocking principle doesn't do so well for. If it's in the house, I want to eat some of it - regardless of whether there is no chance I could finish it all.

However, I'm actually not beating myself up over the huge amount of biscuits I've consumed or mentally trying to tot up the calories. I know that Christmas is a stressful time for me and right now, this is the way I cope with it. I hope it won't always be the way I cope, but right now I'm doing the best I know how. We haven't been to see family this Christmas so the travelling and going 'back home' stress is not there but there are other stresses. I have been stressed about my mother's approach of buying ridiculous amounts of presents that I don't want and have clearly been given no thought (BIN BAGS ffs!!) - and a part of me that feels selfish for expecting her to act differently. Also, there's the stress of this wedding coming up next week. I love my dress but don't feel I look good in it. We're staying in a cottage with the groom's brother (a good friend) and his parents (who we love to bits) - so it's going to be an 'out of the usual' living situation for a few days, which always stresses me slightly, even though it'll probably actually be fun.

So between that and my period being both due and late, no wonder I was stressed and ran for the sugar!

Top tea and fab friends

2008-12-14T17:35:00.002Z

Gosh - my posts on this blog are getting further and further apart. I suppose, because it's been a bad year for me in terms of food and body image, I've been reluctant to post here too often. There's only so much moaning one can do and I'm certain no-one wants to read it all the time! This one's going to be a good one though...

Yesterday was the Christmas meet for the Beyond Chocolate forum. Seven of us met in London and had afternoon tea in Fortnum and Mason's. It was amazing!! The food was delicious. We had sandwiches (the veggie ones were sour cream and cucumber; cheese and some kind of chutney; roasted vegetable; and egg) and little cheese and potato tartlets. Then of course scones with jam and cream, and a choice of two little pastries. I had a choux pastry/eclair (which was out of this world!!) and a raspberry tartlet. We also had a glass of rosé champagne each - and a pot of tea of course!! I just adore doing things like this. It was all so civilised and - although I can't afford to be eating in posh places every week - I really do find it so much easier to eat intuitively in these situations. There's no pressure to rush or to force stuff down - and the food is so good with quality over quantity. I ate only two of my four sandwiches and one of my two scones (all the tartlets and pastries though!!). But I enjoyed every bite!

The company was also fabulous. Six extremely fantastic women who are brilliant company. And it was so refreshing not to be sat with women saying "ooh, I really shouldn't" or "oooh, aren't we being naughty?!" at the first sight of the cakes.

I wish I could do that every day!

A summer doing nothing

2008-09-25T21:18:00.002+01:00

Well, it's been nearly two months since my last post on here. Partly because I'm too lazy to log in and check out my blog. Also a lot of other blogs I read seem to have become more infrequent in their posting so I don't log in to check so much. Anyway, I've decided to try and blog some more and I'm making it public again.

So, what's gone on this summer in terms of eating, weight and IE. Not a lot. I've gaining and lost the same couple of pounds, my eating has mainly been atrocious and IE has barely had a look in. I did make a decision however and that was to drop out of the Chocolate Fairy training. It wasn't an easy decision but ultimately the right one. I don't know yet what it means for me on a personal level. I don't want to totally walk away from BC/IE because I know it's the right 'solution' on some level. However, I've made less and less effort to work on eating intuitively and I'm feeling more and more down about my weight. I have very little self-confidence and -whilst I'm not going to pretend that being slim solves all my problems - I did feel better about myself.

The idea of hitting 30 and looking and feeling like I do makes me upset. I know my age is just a number and so is my dress size and it doesn't change who I am, but still. I don't want another decade of hating myself and not being able to enjoy my body. I've always been the one on the outside looking in and is it so wrong to want to be able to enjoy wearing nice clothes and to like the way I look? And to want my joints to not hurt and my stomach to not feel bloated?

I need to find a way to make this work for me. And, yes, that includes starting to lose some weight. I've taken a 'weigh loss holiday' for well over a year and the weight's only gone on. Enough now.

Tired of making the effort

2008-08-08T11:26:00.002+01:00

I'm so tired. Everything seems like so much effort and I'm getting nowhere fast. I'm so confused as to what I want out of life and too tired to go and get it if I did know. I just wish I could sleep for a year. Except that would be another year gone that I didn't do anything with.

I'm tired of feeling like everything's so much hard work - it's not like I'm juggling as much as most people. I work four days a week (yes I have crappy commute, but still). And that's it. No hobbies, no additional stuff that I do. When I do try it's too much effort.

And I'm sick of eating how I do. I'm tired of shovelling Tescos jam doughnuts into my mouth - even if they are so cheap I can have three and it still be cheaper than a chocolate bar. I feel bloated and my joints ache.

Will I ever have energy - physical, mental or emotional - again? I guess I will, but sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Shut up, mouth - you've had your turn!

2008-08-01T14:32:00.003+01:00

Well, my tuned -inness (ok not a real word...) only lasted a couple of days. It always does and this time was no different. Maybe one individual meal a week or one or two tuned in days every half a dozen months. This is not enough for me. I know we can't be perfect and I don't want to be. But eating intuitively 5% of the time is not good enough and is going to make no difference. I need to be doing it 80% of the time.

My weight is continuing to creep up and I'm now the heaviest I've ever been. The only other time I have been this heavy was at age 16. At that point my life wasn't great and I was bingeing big time. Sitting on my bed five days a week with packets of biscuits and cakes and chocolate laid out in front of me, stuffing myself until I was sick. I don't do that now, but if I'm just as big then I wonder if I might just as well. It's not fair and I don't care if that makes me selfish and shallow.

I think the problem is eating what I want. But it should be about eating what my body wants not what my mouth wants. My body wants me to eat food that will help it lose weight, lubricate it's joints and give it energy. So I need to eat these foods and not chocolate. My mouth has had it's turn at saying what it wants - always chocolate or sugary stuff - for the whole 15 months since I discovered Beyond Chocolate. My body is a wreck. Now it's my body's turn to have it's say this year. I'm going to experiment with telling my mouth to shut up and listen to my creaking joints and lethargic body which need me to eat nutritious foods and to not eat chocolate.

Getting back to my senses?

2008-07-21T21:32:00.002+01:00

I finally feel like I'm tentatively getting back to IE again. I've had a good few days where I've eaten in tune with my hunger, whether that's meant skipping 'meals', eating chocolate for a meal or turning stuff down that I normally love.

Today has been a mini backslide again and I ate a whole pack of 10 Tunnocks Teacakes between 9am and 1pm. Nothing else. It wasn't intuitive and I didn't stop to tune in. However, I knew today was going to be a hectic one at work and a bit stressful so I'm not beating myself up about it. I also didn't force myself to have 'a proper lunch' afterwards like I might have done before. I was feeling sick and didn't need or want lunch. I was just nice to myself for the rest of the day and then made myself a dinner of tomato soup and a toasted cheese bagel - suited my mood perfectly!

So, all in all I think my mini binge this morning turned out to be a Good Thing. No all-or-nothing thinking - just supporting myself!

Sweet sabotage?

2008-07-12T18:01:00.002+01:00

I don't know what it going on with me right now. I'm still eating so much sweet food (I mean chocolate and cake, not fruit!). Even though I don't really want it and I am not really enjoying it, I feel drawn to buy it and to eat it. Even if I tune in while I'm eating it, I still feel compelled to finish it even though it's making me feel sick or I'm not enjoying it. It seems like I'm determined to sabotage any success I might have at IE or something.

I don't think it's a legalising thing as I've allowed myself to eat as much chocolate etc as I want this past year - even though it's meant I've gained weight. I've also done the 'abundance' thing a number of times as well (even though it doesn't actually work for me).

Why if I want to eat more nutritious food because my body needs it and it tastes better to me, am I so driven to eating stuff that's not supporting or nourishing me in any way?

The 1lb has gone back on too. Ho hum.

Finally, a loss

2008-06-28T08:18:00.004+01:00

I weighed myself this morning and I've lost 1lb since last week. It made me smile. This week I've been less IE and more watching what I'm eating. Mostly in a noticing way and just counting up calories but not restricting them or banning myself from eating stuff because I've only got x number 'left' to have. Maybe this will work for me right now.

Of course, it may just be coincidence that that pound has come off this week and not to do with that change at all. And it's only 1lb so it could be a fluctuation anyway. And previously I was weighing myself less frequently than weekly so - whilst I've not stepped on and seen ANY (even temporary) loss in the past year - I may not have noticed fluctuations before.
hp
At the present time I feel like some tracking and structure are what I need. This doesn't mean following a commercial diet or sticking to a set amount of calories to the number. It just means I need to be more interested in what I'm eating from a nutritional point of view and that I want to ensure my calories in are less than calories out where possible. I also just find it interesting to notice that things are not always how they seem. I ate very badly yesterday - but on tracking my food on Fitday, it was still fractionally less than the number of calories expended (although the percentage of calories from fat was high). It's very easy to make assumptions. I was also pleased to see that nutritionally I'm getting enough B vitamins as I'd become really paranoid that I wasn't.

So that's where I'm at right now. This may not be forever and I'm not pressuring myself to make it that way or to choose one way of living over another. I'm really not living IE in the standard way or following the principles at the moment. But surely, if I'm taking bits of different things that work for (whether that's diets, BC, nutritional guidelines or whatever) and fitting them around my own life, then that's being intuitive?

Disconnected

2008-06-27T17:21:00.002+01:00

Wow - it's been close to three months since I posted on my blog. The reason is I have been disconnected. First technically and then emotionally. For the first five weeks after moving house in April, we didn't have internet access and for obvious reasons I didn't want to write my blog at work. We got internet connection back about a month ago but, by then, emotional disconnection had set in. It's still there. But I felt the need and desire to come and update my blog and to get my feelings down on screen. After all, blogs are not just there for when life's going rosily.

Of late I have been struggling to connect with IE at all. This worries me from a personal point of view but also because I'm doing the BC training. It's been a year now since my IE journey began. I'm 10lb heavier, a dress size bigger and even more depressed about my body and my food than when I began. I'm not blaming IE for that - I've been depressed generally. I guess I was expecting to be a lot further on than I am, or at least to be further on than when I started, which most of the time doesn't feel like it's the case. I can't be bothered tuning in etc most of the time - it actually feels like as much effort as calorie counting. I've tried 'just doing it once' but my head (or my gremlin?) tells me that doing something once is going to make no difference at all. I can't trick myself into thinking I'm just going to do it once when I know I need to do it most of the time in order for it to 'work'.

I know that being thin is not going to suddenly make me magically happy but right now it's still so supremely important to me as factor in getting my confidence back. I'd be lying if I said it was less important to me now than it was a year ago - if anything it's more important. Also it doesn't help that two of my friends are doing LL - one (male) has lost two stone in as many weeks and the other (female) three stone in eight weeks. I wouldn't want to do anything that extreme but I can't help but think, when I hear those results (even if they might not last), that my excess two stone would be gone in a month. At the rate I'm going it's going to take me over a year (if I ever start to lose at all)...and I'm not ok with that. I'm also still wanting to choose chocolate and cake most of the time even though I have legalised it - I really thought this phase would last a lot less than a year. I don't feel healthy - emotionally or physically.

Maybe this is just a mental blip for me but maybe I feel like I need to see some evidence it's working. Working in whatever sense that may be. I'm sorry to be being so negative right now but I felt like I had to get this out of my system and using my blog seemed logical. Right now I'm tracking my calories (not restricting them as such - just noticing and trying to keep it roughly below my 'outgoing' calories) and trying to choose healthy foods rather than chocolate even if I want it. I also plan to start an exercise regime. I don't like the connotations of the word regime but I need structure right now and if that means making time in my schedule to do something three times a week rather than 'trying it once', that's how it needs to be for me if I'm going to see a difference in my wellbeing.

This time tomorrow

2008-04-08T16:26:00.002+01:00

I will be a Trainee Chocolate Fairy!

I'm very excited about starting the training course, although really nervous as well. I've not given myself the time I need to spend focusing on IE that I need over the past few months and in many ways I feel like I've taken a backwards step. But journeys aren't always linear and nobody ever said IE was as easy as 'just not dieting'.

I'm really looking forward to being able to take the time I need in the coming months to focus on what I want to get from all this and to take it back to basics a bit with the principles. April is going to be a hectic month but I think as things settle down, I should be in a good place to support myself more fully whilst learning how to offer that support to others via BC.

Sizing things up

2008-04-04T16:03:00.002+01:00

Dress sizes are a funny thing aren't they? We assign so much importance to them and yet they don't really mean anything. What does size 12 - for example - actually mean? Twelve what? It's not inches, centimetres or yards. It's just a seemingly random number. And whilst that size twelve might fit someone in one shop, it might be far too small or hugely too big in the next shop. Or even in a different style in the same shop. And yet despite this, most of us seem to carry around this perfect number in our heads of the size we want to be - or think we ought to be.

If the clothes you buy don't have that magic number on the label, then you find yourself feeling awful. You want to be a 12 but you have to buy the 16, so you feel depressed. And yet if you'd gone into the shop and the 12 had fitted you'd feel a lot better - even if there wasn't any difference in the actual size of the item.

A couple of weeks ago I bought a skirt from Gap. It was the first size 16 I'd had to buy in years so I was a little upset (although as the labels always give the US size in Gap, it does actually say 12 on it!). Even worse, whilst it fits, there's not much room for growth. However when I got it home I laid it on top of another skirt I have (which is a little too snug to be honest but still just about wearable). The waistbands were exactly the same size. And this older skirt is a (UK) size 12! I wasn't sure whether to be relieved that the size 16 was a 'small' 16 or whether to be upset that the size 12 I was smugly still squeezing into was actually just generously cut!

And as for body shapes, I've totally given up on figuring out what I'm supposed to be. When I was slimmer I was always an hourglass. I learned what looked great on me and I felt good about myself. I was now rather hoping that so long as I was fine to grit my teeth and pick up the 16 rather than the 10, I could still buy those same items and they'd fit equally well and look flattering. Wrong!!!! My whole shape seems to have changed (well disappeared really...). No longer do I have a waist and a have a big tummy which I've never had before even in previous 'big' days. I decided to look on the bright side - surely this would solve the problem I used to have that my waist was always one size smaller than my hips. Although I was a bigger size, finally I would be able to get trousers to fit right all over. Wrong!!! Despite my very pronounced tummy, my thighs STILL seem to require a bigger size than my waist. And in fact I now seem to have an even harder time of it than I ever did before. Shame I'm not a teenage boy really - it seems to be the fashion for them to wear the crotch of their jeans around their knees as the waist is worn too big to fit!

Older but none the wiser

2008-03-31T21:42:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I turned 29. I had a good weekend. On Saturday, we went to the theatre to see The Importance of Being Earnest and then went to a veggie place called Mildreds for dinner (mushroom and ale pie with fat chips and broccoli followed by sticky toffee pud and custard). Afterwards we just wandered around Regent St for a bit and S got my my birthday present - an iPod Classic which I am insanely in love with!

Sunday my sis, bro-in-law and nephew all came around for lunch. Lovely to see them. Then after an afternoon of uploading new CDs to my iPod, we went ice skating in the evening. Wow- first time I’m done anything on the ‘Move’ principle in forever!!! I love it! I forgot how much I miss ice skating. Once we’ve moved house I’m going to start seeing if I can go regularly again. I might even get myself some new ice skates as I’ve had mine since I was *cough* seventeen *cough*. They hurt my feet a bit now and I’ve discovered that that brand is a particularly narrow fit which would explain it. Ah well, they’ve done me for over a decade so I can’t grumble!

I don’t seem to have stopped bingeing again the past few days - especially on birthday cake. I really feel like I need some nutritious food in me. My body is crying out for it and logically my head knows I need it but there’s still my taste buds going ‘we want sugar!!!!’ I think it’s two against one though and I need to experiment with listening to other parts of me than just my taste buds.

I can’t believe it’s April tomorrow. It’s going to be a hectic month. Tomorrow I start my new role at work, next week I start my Fairy training and the week after I move house. I’m really looking forward to the training but I’ve got to say I’m getting a bit nervous. I’m definitely pushing my comfort zone and I’m still really not sure what to expect (I got the timetable today but it only has session times, not what each is about). I think the residential is timely for me as I’ve had such a rotten couple of months - I really need to take some ‘me time’ and get the focus back on my eating issues. However, part of me feels really guilty that I’ve not come further when I’m about to start training to be a Fairy. I know that’s silly though and everyone’s journey is different. But hey if we all thought logically, I doubt we’d use food the way we do.

Yummy food and a real bad mood

2008-03-01T17:18:00.002Z

I have had yet another week where I have been stressed and miserable. I feel like my life is in limbo. I still do not know what is happening with either my job or our house move (the latter has more or less fallen through and looks like we will have to find new buyers and possibly also a different house to move to). I am feeling so angry with the other people in our house chain.

My job situation is still up in the air. I feel bad that it's not yet resolved though I feel good that one or two people seem to really not want me to leave. I happened to speak to the head of the department where the job I wanted but turned down would sit. I mentioned I was sorry that I'd not been able to accept it and that I did understand that they didn't want someone working part time like I had requested. Turns out it was the first he had heard of it! He seemed really keen to have me and said that he would be more than happy for me to do it part time. He is going to speak to the CEO next week to find out why she said no - obviously if she wants only full time then as CEO her decision rules, but she may have just said it assuming that was what he would want for the team as nothing else had been discussed. I would actually stay if they agree to my 'demands' - it would solve a lot of my problems. But we'll see.

Due to being stressed, I've been binging this week. Much worse than I've been at any other point since I discovered BC. It's been cake and chocolate and biscuits and crisps. Just shoved down, walking down the street, not tasting it, feeling sick, and thinking what I could have next. I know that on some level it's been different to how it used to be, because my mind now works differently. I know that in some way I'm trying to look after myself. I know it's not the best way (but then it's not alcohol or drugs which would be a lot worse!!) but it's the only way I know how on some level. At the drop-in one of the other women said that maybe I felt like binging was something I could control when other situations in my life are currently out of my control. I think she's right. Part of me felt like I actively needed to be doing something. I'm not in a position to move things forward with my house or to look for a job, so I binged.

Right now I feel tired and drained and I've cried a lot today. I don't know how my husband puts up with me! However, I like to try and finish my blog entries on a positive note where I can, so I'm going to describe last night.

Last night we met up with my husband's friend K again. He knows his way around London really well - personally I'm hopeless without getting on the tube and/or using an A-Z (even though I've worked there for nearly four years)! First we went for a meal. We went to an organic vegan restaurant called Vita Organic. It kind of had a bit of a buffet pick-n-mix style for food which was nice. It did have a bit of a 'raw' philosophy to it which meant the food was warm rather than hot. I get the idea but personally I'm a hot food girl - the place was all a bit too healthy for the mood I was in. However I got to try quinoa for the first time and I had a healthy, non-alcoholic version of a pina colada made with almond milk, which was really really tasty. After that, we came across a quirky shop that sold alcohol (I hesitate to say off-licence because it wasn't) - it primarily sold spirits with some wine as well. K managed to get a particular whisky he'd been after and had struggled to find. Next we went to the Algerian Coffee Store which is the most amazing little shop. Obviously it primarily sells coffee (to take away although they do do espresso shots to drink there), but also tea and...chocolate! I don't drink coffee, so I busied myself looking at the chocolate. I bought a bar of Rococo white chocolate with cardamom (my fave!) and a bar of Zotter chocolate filled with marzipan and cherry brandy. I'd not seen this Austrian brand before, but looking it up online it comes in loads of weird and wonderful flavours. It's organic and fairtrade too which earns it brownie points.

Our final stop of the evening was at Maison Bertaux, a French patisserie in Soho. I can't decide whether the decor was shabby chic or just shabby. However, it had lots of pink and purple chiffon so felt quite girly. Either way, the cakes were out of this world. Along with a pot of tea, I had what I can only describe a giant profiterole. Choux pastry filled with lush chocolate cream and topped with chocolate icing. Amazing. They also had fruit tarts, various choux pastries, big slabs of cheesecake and little cupcake type things. It was a bit cramped in there and not that beautiful but definitely recommend it for the cakes!

I resigned

2008-02-23T16:56:00.002Z

Well ,I finally did it - I handed my notice in at work yesterday! I feel a lot 'lighter' now that I've done it. Though I'm sure that will change once I need to find another job (lol). My boss was really nice about it and didn't seem overly surprised. She agreed that my role was not really that suited to me and had been somewhat cobbled together (I got the feeling when we had a restructure last year that they wanted to keep me but didn't really know what to do with me). I had effectively been doing a job that was very bitty, wasn't what I wanted to do and my skill set doesn't really match what the department needs. Also my commute has really been getting me down so my boss really got that.

Ironically an opportunity came up to pretty much do the job that I was turned down for in the summer. They now want a second person and pretty much offered it me on a plate last week. However, because of the commute issue and because I want time for my Chocolate Fairy training (and then to run workshops next year), I said no. I did ask if there would be a possibility of staying to do it part time but they said no. Still, I think I'm doing the right thing and I've not burnt my bridges with the organisation should anything ever come up in future.

Eating has been erratic this week due to stress. I did have a few days when I was so stressed I didn't want to eat. That really puzzled me as that has never ever happened before! I didn't want to eat but there was still a little part of me that did just because it's how I've always coped with stress. So I think it's been really interesting to observe that in myself this week.

Life is still stressful with the house. The latest is that our buyers said on Monday that the completion date has to be on exactly 25th April and the exchange date a week before- else they are pulling out. Really annoyed. We said we at least want them to exchange before then as with no commitment they could pull out at the last minute and I don't want to hang around for two months only for them to do that. They have not responded and seemingly not got in touch with their solicitors to discuss further as they were meant to. Our estate agent is going to send them a letter tomorrow to say they have to communicate, as they are just not doing so. If no joy, then he has suggested we put the house back on the market. Just hoping that we don't lose the house we're buying in the process as the vendors are getting fed up with waiting (and so are we!).

However, at least having my notice handed in at work takes the pressure off for a bit. I know I will need to find something else as I can't afford not to work whilst I do my fairy training. But I have a few weeks before I need to start looking and it feels like a weight off my shoulders knowing I'll be leaving a job that is no longer satisfying me at all. I know it's not ideal to quit with nothing to go to directly, but I can temp if needs be and I'm proud of being my own guru and supporting myself!

Beautiful day

2008-02-17T09:33:00.002Z

I have had a really crap week. I have felt so so low I thought I'd never come through it. Hence I've not been online here or the forums much. I didn't even go to the drop-in this week. Part of me maybe could have done with support but another part of me just didn't want to drag others down with me. I suppose I'm also used to 'dealing' by being on my own and being anti-social!

Work is making me desperately unhappy and I want to quit as soon as humanly possible. The house move is my biggest stress and ideally I want to move before I quit work (which needs to be a month before Fairy Training starts so I can finish my notice period by then - I can't get the week off as hol that I need for going to the IoW). But I definitely want to move before the IoW trip. However, we have just discovered that one half of the couple who are buying our house is a teacher and so her holidays are inflexible and they say they can only move on 25th April which is way too late! We have suggested we complete earlier and just her other half picks up the keys and, although we will move out that day, they needn't move in until the Saturday so they can do it on a weekend.

Anyway, despite feeling so so stressed right now working in a job I'm not happy in and living in a house that's half packed up for a move that we don't know that date of, I actually had a really lovely day yesterday. We decided house stuff was off limits as we're both so stressed and headed to London for the day. I had been briefly shopping in Lakeside on Friday night and bought two new tops and two pairs of shoes, so I went out yesterday, in my newish jeans, my new pink top and my gorgeous new purple shoes which I am totally in love with!

It was cold but the sun was shining. We met up with S's friend who is really lovely and we all went to lunch at Eat and Two Veg, one of our fave veggie places. I had a halloumi 'burger' with pesto and tomato jam, served with fries and salad. We then went to a little cafe and sat outside, where I had a massive hot chocolate. Then we went and saw S's friend’s flat which we'd never been to. It was really lovely - though teeny! I forget how little space people live in in London!

We then left S's friend to his afternoon and headed back to central London. We then just spend an age mooching along Regent St going into all our favourite shops (didn't buy anything other than a birthday present for my MIL - though I was soooo close to buying myself the new Cherry fragrance from L'Occitane as it smells divine).

We came home and just had the best dinner created out of bits and bobs. Fresh crusty bread, mushroom pate, hummus, stilton, grapes, Kettle crisps, and pasta salad. Yum! Even though I'm more of a hot food person, I just love eating like that. We also had my fave Fru blueberry cheesecake for dessert - heaven!

Incommunicado

2008-02-10T08:15:00.000Z

Gosh, I've not blogged in over two weeks. I guess I haven't been online as much (other than at work and I don't feel comfortable writing my blog there) and also for once I've been struggling to find something to say. I think I've been feeling really quite fragile this past week. Lots of little things added together from PMT to worrying now the time is getting nearer to move house and quit my job. I'm hugely looking forward to being able to do those things but there's still the fear element of change.

I'm still really struggling with accepting my body. Clothes never seem to feel good on me, never mind look good. I've also been having problems with my glasses. I've had to take both pairs back to Boots this week about three times to get them adjusted. They've been wrong for a while but I guess I didn't have the confidence to go back before which is really silly. I had sort of yo-yoed between "well, they wouldn't have let me leave with ill-fitting glasses so this is obviously how they are meant to fit and I just have to put up with it" and "well it's my own stupid fault for not knowing how glasses are meant to fit and for not knowing when I tried them on for two minutes when I bought them that they weren't right...and they'll never take them back now I've had them four months". They were fine about it, however, and after havng them adjusted three times to no avail, they are replacing them for me. One pair (my faves) came in a bigger frame size so they're going to order those for me. The others didn't so I've picked a different pair (which are actually nicer than the original ones) and I've only got to pay the £10 different in price because the new ones are a more expensive frame. So hopefully those will come in in the next week (I just hope they fit ok this time!).

Despite feeling really emotional this week, my eating has actually been pretty good. I think the eating-related principles are starting to feel a bit more natural now and I'm having to actively think about them less. So I actually feel really positive about that. There would have been a time not too long ago that I rough week emotionally would have had me eating chocolate, cake and biscuits until I felt sick.

Finally, an update on the house. We got the contract through on Friday so we're nearly there. A small snag is that we had agreed in negotiating the price that the curtains and poles (very good ones that went directly with the decor) would be included. However, with the contract we got the list of what's included and they are not (this was a piece of paper the sellers completed and signed two months ago and has only just been passed to us!!). We contacted the estate agent to see if we could get it changed to what we'd agreed (only verbally so I guess it was never binding, but still), but one half of the couple has now moved back abroad and taken it all with her so not much chance of getting it. So bit annoyed as we weren't given the list earlier to have queried it and also because, thinking we would be going somewhere with curtains, we agreed to leave our curtains for our buyers.

Ah well, we'll see what happens on Monday. Expect we'll just have to take it on the chin. It's more the principle on the curtains themselves really. Still, hopefully at least we'll be moving soon. And that's a GOOD thing!!

Mixed week

2008-01-26T17:20:00.000Z

This week has been rather mixed. Certainly the early part of the week I was very much on a 'down'. I don't know why really but I've just been feeling bleurgh. I expect it's a combination of things.

Yesterday, the head of my department at work quit as well. She has been given her notice as gardening leave so it was her last day in the office. I don't have strong feelings about it in itself as I do plan to leave myself very soon (and I've got so used to so many people leaving at that place over the three years I've been there). I think we will find out on Monday how it is going to affect our team in terms of our roles though as I don't think they are planning to replace her. It could mean more responsibility for the rest of us. That could work out to be a good thing although it's probably going to be too little too late for me now even if there is the potential for more interesting work to come out of it.

Seems like things are gradually picking up speed with the house. Our buyers have signed their contract and we're just waiting for some final search results from our vendors' solicitors before we can get a contract and then hopefully we're good to go. So Feb is looking pretty definite now - I hope!!

Last night a bunch of us from work went out for a couple of drinks which was pretty nice. I must admit I don't tend to socialise with them that much but it was actually quite nice. Then afterwards, I went on and met Nicki from her train and we went and had food and wine (I do apologise to her for the way I made such a hatchet-job of attempting to cut my pizza though!). It was so so lovely to meet her in person. I had a fab time! I hope she has enjoyed her BC workshop today.

Attempted to go shopping in Lakeside today. Managed to buy a new pillow - chosen more or less at random as I don't really know what kinds are best - so hoping that will help my neck pain. I wanted to get some clothes too (my weight is still slightly increasing and now pretty much everything is too tight for me). I found some nice looking stuff in Next but didn't have the energy to queue or try on, so might go back tomorrow or after work on Monday. My energy is just so low. It knackered me just walking around the shopping centre for about an hour and I went to sleep for a couple of hours when I got back. I'm just so lethargic all the time.

Off to see Sweeney Todd tonight! Looking forward to that. Hope S doesn't mind sitting and watching me drool over Johnny Depp for a couple of hours. Mind you given the slightly grisly nature of his character (Depp not my husband!), there might not actually be much droolage!

Bored and tired

2008-01-23T22:34:00.000Z

I still seem to be so sluggish this week. Very bored at work today. Was also just in a bit of a 'can't be bothered' mood so just ended up doing de-duping database work today as it didn't take too much concentration.

I have been using my reminders to tune in which have been helpful. However, I just seem to be eating regardless of what the tuning in is telling me. I guess I'm just comforting myself - and relieving myself from tiredness and boredom - the easiest way I know how.

I'm looking forward to the next BC drop-in tomorrow as I really feel like I need the support of a group at the moment. Just being in the room with other women on the same journey is inspiring, even if I'm not getting or seeking direct advice. Also really pleased with my new skincare goodies that arrived yesterday. Particularly loving the Dermalogica Pre-cleanse - fab for getting make-up off.

Finally - and completely unrelated - RIP Heath Ledger. I'm not one to get drawn into celebrity stuff or drink in every detail of their lives like I know them, but he was an actor I greatly liked. He was a talented young man who will now never fulfill the full potential I think he had. So very sad.

Stuffing and supporting

2008-01-22T21:24:00.000Z

Yes, I still seem to have been somewhat mindlessly eating today. Last week at the drop in, Sophie suggested we have a day where we set a reminder to tune in every half an hour. I did do this and it did kind of work but then on the way home I went a bit mad and ate a couple of bars of choc without thinking about it. Not sure what caused it to be honest.

Still, I'm going to leave the half hourly reminders set up on my Outlook at work (think I'd get annoyed with them on my mobile) so at least it will support me in tuning in at work which is one of the times I stress or get bored.

Another thing I've done to support myself today has been to order some more books to help with my IE journey. I've ordered two Susie Orbachs (Fat is a Feminist Issue and On Eating), the No Diet Diet, and the Diet Survivor's Handbook. Hopefully they will trickle in over the next week or two and I can add them to my reading pile. I'm currently alternating novels with self-help books. I'm currently re-reading Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway as well as this might help my confidence and hopefully help me to just tell my mum rather than sitting and worrying about it for the next two months.

I also got in the post some good skincare stuff I ordered for myself last week - some from Dermalogica and a cleansing balm from Spiezia. I can't always get clothes that fit well and I like so I'm damn well going to buy stuff that makes me skin feel good instead!

Rainy days and mondays always get me down

2008-01-21T21:02:00.000Z

Bah, I don't think I have eaten intuitively once today. Although I have tuned in. Tuned in and said I really don't want or need to eat this junk...and then eaten it anyway. All day. I think I just needed to wallow (for want of a better word). My neck has been hurting all day as well. I'm guessing my sleeping and typing positions are not great, because it's playing me up a fair bit of late. Same with my lower back and knees. I feel like I'm 78 some days not 28!

I've been really bored at work today too. Looking forward to leaving but unsure what I'll do next (fairy training aside). Not looking forward to telling my mum about the fairy training and my plans to quit my job soon either, especially as I'll now have to tell her over the phone as I didn't do it at Christmas.

And I just feel generally lethargic. I know that I need to start listening to want my body wants as well as what my taste buds want. I'm obviously not intending to restrict what kinds of foods I eat but I need to include more energy giving, nutrient-dense foods than I am. Maybe a multivitamin would be a good idea as well for the time being.

Ah well, on the bright side at least it's pay day! And I had enough in my account yesterday (I always check it just before I get paid) to put £100 into my savings account.

Anniversary weekend

2008-01-20T14:18:00.000Z

Have just got back from our overnight stay in the beautiful hotel. We ate my favourite Hotel Chocolat chocs (these) in the room and then went and had cocktails in the bar (apple mojito - yum!) when we got there which was amazing.

We had a bit of a rough time sorting out dinner to be honest. We asked the concierge to book us into a nice restaurant (as the hotel one only had late sittings) but when we got there it turned out to be a pub (granted a really nice one, but not quite what we were after for the occasion). S didn't want to eat there and was getting grumpy and I wasn't actually hungry after the chocolate and we were getting snippy with each other which upset me as it was supposed to be all romantic. We ended up leaving without eating and going back to the hotel for a 9:30pm sitting at the hotel restaurant (this is normally too late for me but actually I hadn't been hungry earlier).

The food was amazing and I actually didn't mind eating so late for once as I was ready for it by that time. I had halloumi with aubergine, hummous and olive tapenade for my starter, a mushroom puff pastry dish for main course, and then an almond pie with chocolate ice cream for dessert. And champagne too of course (although I've come to realise that I actually like the idea of champagne more than I really like the taste). It was one of those incredibly posh restaurants. I really love eating at them on special occasions and they actually are perfect for tuning in as it's such a civilised atmosphere that you don't feel like you are rush. I ate all of my starter and main but probably only half my dessert but I left happy and satisfied rather than stuffed. So despite a cranky start to the evening, it was actually really lovely in the end!

Breakfast was included with the room as well and I had a little bit of lots of things from the buffet - poached eggs, toasts, mushrooms, then cheese, fruit and a small pastry. Normally breakfast is a meal that I only grab because I'm hungry and not that I take any pleasure in. However, I do love it when I can 'do' breakfast properly, have a nice selection of things and I don't have to rush off somewhere - oh and not having to cook or wash up!

We had a nice walk around the hotel grounds after breakfast and then drove back home. Oh, and we stopped off in Borders for a mooch on the way home. I spotted a single copy of Beyond Chocolate, so I pulled it out of its place and put it back on the shelf in front of the other books with the front cover facing out. I hope someone buys it!

Not feeling alone

2008-01-19T09:27:00.000Z

It's been a good few days for me. On Thursday evening I went to the Beyond Chocolate drop-in session in London. I missed the first one but I'm glad I went this week. It was really great to be able to be in a group session again and to be able to share thoughts and take the time to really focus on what's going on with me (I've been so focussed on house move and work etc that I've not been focussing on intuitive eating as much as I really want the past month or two). It's always inspiring listening to Sophie as well.

Yesterday marked a decade since S and I got together. I can't believe how much that time has flown. It's been a wonderful ten years with him. However, as I look back on a fantastic decade with him, it is a tiny reminder of how I feel my relationship is one of the few good things to have come out of the last ten years and how much I have made myself miss out on in terms of doing stuff in my twenties - turning down social events or not being brave enough to try opportunities because of low self-confidence or putting too much emphasis on not feeling pretty enough or thin enough.

We had a meal out at Eat & Two Veg, a vegetarian restaurant in London which we both like. We split the halloumi and the aromatic luck (wheat gluten done like duck with plum sauce, cucumber and pancakes) for starters. For my main I had spinach and mushroom lasagna and a side of steamed broccoli. I ended up skipping dessert as the only thing I fancied they had run out of. In the end that was a good thing though as I tuned in as we were leaving and I realised I was already full and probably wouldn't have fully enjoyed the dessert anyway.

This evening S has booked us into a hotel somewhere (it's a surprise from him so I don't know exactly what or where!). So we'll probably have dinner out somewhere tonight too. S tried to book a table at the restaurant at the hotel this morning but they only have 9pm which is a bit late for me for a 'posh' meal (I need time for it to go down before bed - lol). So we'll have to see when we get there if there's another restaurant in the area we could go to.

Right, now I just need to go and find whether the top I want to wear is clean or if I'm going to have to go and buy one. I don't have much in the way of 'evening' stuff that fits me anymore. I'm also gutted that my gorgeous wide leg linen trousers seem to have shrunk in the wash as they are now skin tight on my thighs so I can't wear those (I'm hoping ironing them and stretching them a bit by wearing them around the house might stretch them back but it's so hard to find trousers that fit over my thighs I'll be gutted if they are now unwearable). So for tonight it will have to be my black 'work' trousers with a nice top. Killer heels if we don't have to walk to a restaurant, boots if we do. Lol.

Fruity mix

2008-01-12T10:39:00.000Z

This week has been a bit mixed. I feel like my emotions have been up and down.

All seems to be going well on the house front. We're going with the original house we wanted now that they have agreed to lower the price. Apparently, assuming contracts go through OK, we should be ready to move in around four weeks time! So I'm getting really excited about moving. I've felt like life has been in limbo whilst we've been house hunting so it will be good to settle. Also, I am aware that I've put on around 1.5st since we moved here in 2006. And I now realise that it's because I'm unhappy here - because we've not really settled and made a life here. So I'm hoping that when we move back to our old town, I won't be overeating from boredom and stress etc as much as I do now, which will be another step forward on my BC journey.

Yesterday, I bought a heap of dried fruit at Holland and Barrett. Different fruits in separate bags so I can make up my own mix of just stuff that I love - rather than buying ready made mixed fruit bags and rooting around for my favourite bits like I have been doing! Unfortunately I ate all my chewy banana in the afternoon before I got home to mix them. It seems that this was one of my 'forgotten' banned foods (ie ones that I didn't think of as being previously banned as they weren't obvious like cake or chocolate) and I went a bit mad eating them! Well now I'm aware of it and think I will be OK with them in future now I know I can have them any time. I just need to tune in whilst I'm eating so I don't just keep going blindly until the bag is empty.

I've not been weighing myself regularly since I have been doing things the BC way. However, I've found myself doing this (in that old 'punishing' way) several times since Christmas. I'm still going through a period where I'm really not happy with my body and the way it looks and the way clothes fit me and I think I've been punishing myself by weighing myself to see how fat I've got (I'm not yet at the losing stage of IE and have put a little on) rather than being gentle with myself. I suppose I really need to throw out the scales but I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe when we move house I can do it. I don't know how S feels about it as obviously he might want them to use as well (I suppose they could be kept in a cupboard somewhere so he could get them out if he really wanted them). It's something I need to think about.

Houses and halloumi

2008-01-03T21:35:00.000Z

Well, apparently there has been a change of circumstances for the vendors of the house we wanted to buy (they are splitting up) and so they have agreed so drop the price in order to sell. So we've made an offer and it's been accepted. So we still might be getting it! However, we are also going to see if we can see this Saturday another house which we found online over Christmas that looked good (bigger though less nice internally). Then hopefully either way, we can proceed again. It was really stressing me over Christmas - I just want to get moved as we've made no effort with this house we're in (in terms of making it homey) since we decided we wanted to move again - and it's all just taken a lot lot longer than I thought it would.

I seem to have been really hungry today. I've also been busy though and not had time (or made time I guess!) to tune in as much as I'd have liked. So I'm not sure if it was real hunger, the cold weather, stress or something else. However, I did stop eating twice when I realised I was satisfied today so I'm really pleased about that - once was at dinner time during one of my very favourite meals - a halloumi and aubergine bake - that I've NEVER left any of before (except once when I'd undercooked it)!

Here's to 2008

2008-01-01T21:11:00.000Z

Happy New Year to all of you BC'ers and intuitive eaters!

It's hard not to want to take a fresh start mentality today. That's what New Year has always been for me - not a chance to party (I've tended to avoid that in recent years) but a chance to start again, to do better, to reinvent myself. Of course, by the end of the first week I've 'spoiled' it and branded myself a failure for not being on track to lose two stone by spring.

This year is going to be different. I still want to make changes to my life - to improve it. But January 1st is just another day like any other. It's not special or the only chance to make things a little better. Every day of 2008 I am just going to do the best I can to be good to myself and to support myself. If I can do that much, then I think 2008 is going to be a really positive year!

Season's eatings

2007-12-31T17:19:00.000Z

We have finally completed the various rounds of seeing family members for the festive season. We ended up having to go to my sister in the end on Christmas Eve as my nephew had an asthma attack the night before, but at least they are only about 35 mins drive away. Then since then, we've had two days up at S's parents and two days at my mum's. Poor old S has had to do so much driving this holiday (I can't drive) as no-one would come to us this year. Going to make them all come and visit next year!!

It hasn't been too bad over all. I've managed to really think about what I'm eating a lot of the time and not eat mince pies or cake just because it's Christmas and just because they are there. The only time I struggled was being at my mum's this weekend as I have to confess I was really stressed. I do love her of course, but...well...sometimes she drives me mad and I don't think she always thinks. We ended up spending the ENTIRE weekend shopping for and installing a new TV and DVD for her and didn't really get any time to just relax or do anything fun. I also didn't feel there was an opportune moment to mention my job plans for the future and the Chocolate Fairy training course. I hadn't told her over the phone as I thought it would be a bigger conversation (explaining BC/IE etc) and so I saved it for in person. But then the opportunity didn't really arise and I was in a cranky mood due to not being able to relax (also pre-menstrual which never helps!!) so it never got mentioned. These factors also meant I did eat somewhat excessively a few times this weekend - munching on chocolates and biscuits just so I didn't end up snapping at anyone!

Generally, I'm learning to handle these situations better, by taking the time out to calm down, chill out or do something nice for myself but it wasn't possible to do that this time. However, I did give myself permission to go ahead and 'eat my feelings' rather than just doing it unconsciously. I told myself I could eat to make myself feel better in the short term and that I'd try to take some time to be nice to myself in the two days S and I have to ourselves before we go back to work.

So, today is the last day of 2007. Normally right now I'd be sitting here writing out a list of new year's resolutions - and no doubt a new diet plan ready to start tomorrow! I do want to make changes in 2008, but I want them to be in a positive way to make my life as full as I can - not in a way that says that I'm punishing myself for being a worthless human being. The carrot and not the stick...well maybe the carrot cake - I find carrots themselves to be a bit dull!

Next year is going to see me being able to train to do a job that is going to be amazing and fulfilling and hopefully give me chance to look at doing something else workwise as well. I do still hope that I will be a little slimmer but, more importantly, that I will be able to improve my self-esteem, be kinder to myself and find ways to appreciate myself. I also hope that I will find a new house as well.

But all that's for next year. I now plan to spend the remaining six hours* of 2007, curling up on the sofa with my husband with a beer, a pizza and a good film!

* I'm not literally suggesting that I'm actually going to watch a six hour long film or eat pizza non-stop all night :-)

We lost the house

2007-12-24T08:35:00.000Z

Our house purchase has fallen through so both S and I have been a bit down this week. We got the survey done and the surveyor valued it at 15k less than we were paying for it. The vendor refused to budge at all on price. The vendor's estate agent also said off the record that he would advise us to pull out and that the vendor was also saying he might pull out anyway. We were really pissed off as I am sure the vendor knew this a while ago and didn't say anything before we forked out for a survey. So we've pulled out.

Gutted as we really really liked the house. It just felt right. However it was a lot of money for what it was. So we're back to square one. Not looking forward to having to spend all my weekends house hunting again in the new year as it's so tiring with all the travelling (especially as we commute during the week as well - it really feels like you don't have a break). Just hoping we find somewhere soon and then we'll make the effort to do it up as nice as the other place (or as far as we can within our budget).

I have come through the being down a bit the last day or two. Probably because we've got a week off work (even though it's not going to be as relaxing as we really need as we've got to travel a lot to see family). I was also a bit worried that because I was feeling so rough I would end up taking refuge in food over Christmas and just stuff myself silly. I now feel confident I'm not going to do that. I don't think I'll get through Christmas without having once overeaten or popped a biscuit in my mouth without thinking, but the great thing about Beyond Chocolate is that there is no right or wrong and that you haven't 'spoiled' the day if you don't follow the principles every single time you eat.

Well I need to go and get prepped for my sis and her family coming at lunch time. I'm going to wear a pair or brown wide-legged trousers with a gold pinstripe and a deep pink v-neck jumper. I've put on weight since I last saw my sis (she's a tiny wee thing) but I'm determined to look good and feel fab!

Roses are red

2007-12-17T21:28:00.001Z

I've had a bit of a stressy day at work today. I have a lot to get through before Christmas and I'm really not actually enjoying any of it. I was just feeling so rubbish that I ended up eating loads out of the big tin of Roses we got given us by one of suppliers. I was just eating them because they were there and because I wanted to stuff down my feelings of wanting to be elsewhere rather than at work when I just really wanted to go and sit in a corner somewhere and feel sorry for myself! I have already ascertained that I don't even really like Cadburys chocolate (since I started tuning in and realising only good chocolate will do!). Silly me!

I'm just glad that I noticed. That's something that I wouldn't have done before BC. I know I've still got a long way to go with dealing with times that I'm stressed but I know that it's not forever. We're going to be moving house in Jan or Feb (I hope...) which means we'll be back in a town we like and where we know a few people. I'll also be starting Fairy training in April and hopefully looking for a different job to do alongside that - without the commute that is frankly knackering me. Those things won't magically turn my life around - just like being slim won't - but I know they will help.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and tune in as much as I can at work and try to sit with the feeling as much as I can if I'm stressed. If I can't sit with it, then I'll see if there are other things I can do - a walk at lunch or at least going down to the kitchen to make a cuppa and have five minutes of clear head space.

I moved!

2007-12-16T19:01:00.000Z

No I didn't move house - I exercised!! The move principle is one that I've somewhat managed to ignore for the most part of my BC journey to date. I've acknowledged it is probably one of the key principles for me but just haven't got around to actually doing anything with it. Well, this weekend I actually made it to the gym TWICE!! Yesterday I used the weights machines and finished with ten minutes on the treadmill, then today I did 5 minutes on the rower, 5 on the cross trainer and 15 on the treadmill. So hardly running a marathon but it felt great.

I worked out in the morning, straight after I got up. I like to do this because the gym is always quieter and it also kind of sets me up for the day. I'm really glad I made the effort to fit it in. It always feels like hard work to drag myself there but I really enjoyed it and feel really good afterwards.

Using food to treat myself

2007-12-07T18:00:00.000Z

Well, I'm ill yet again. I think this must be my fifth or sixth cold this year. I've been off work with it the last three days and suddenly seem to have given myself licence to binge. I seem to have rather been taking the mentality of 'well I don't feel well and I feel rather sorry for myself so I am going to have a bar of chocolate and a cream cake even though I don't especially fancy them'. I know that it's just a habit that I will break eventually with IE, but when I'm ill I always seem to want to sit at home and stuff myself with sweet treats. It's not like I fancy them - I generally fancy plain stuff when I am ill - but it's almost like I DESERVE them as I'm not well. True I do deserve to look after myself when I am ill but eating things I don't even want seems a bit silly. I suppose it's a leftover from the old diet mentality of 'well I can justify it as a treat while I'm ill but I need to have as much as possible as I won't be "allowed" it once I'm well again'. Also that it is a time when I am home alone so, in the past, it was a good chance for me to eat forbidden foods without anyone around to see.

I'm not beating myself up about the fact that I've eaten this way over the past couple of days. It's enough that I've noticed. I want to make my focus on other ways that I can make myself feel better - nice baths and plenty of guilt-free sleep! Also today I bought and watched Notes on A Scandal which I've wanted to see for ages but S wasn't bothered so I hadn't got around to it - it was nice to be able to treat myself whilst I was home alone. Also, tomorrow I will aim to really tune in to what my BODY wants to eat and give it the food it really deserves to help me kick my cold. I'm thinking poached eggs on toast could be nice for breakfast - yum!

Great news :-)

2007-11-30T22:19:00.000Z

I am going to be a Chocolate Fairy!! I got my letter yesterday when I got home from work to say I have a place on the course. I'm really excited as this is just such an amazing opportunity. I still need to work out how I'm going to play things with my current job as I have a lot of mixed feelings. I'm going to have to continue to work in some capacity during the training (and probably some part-time once I'm running workshops at least initially) - just don't know how long to stay put in my current job and when to move on and to what.

But either way I am so pleased that I am going to get to be a Chocolate Fairy. Oh, and I got two compliments today on my new jeans!

The interview

2007-11-25T21:51:00.000Z

Had a lovely day in London yesterday. It was the nicest interview I've ever had as it was so informal and the other women there were all lovely. It was good to see not only Sophie but some of this year's fairies too - including 'my' fairy who worked with our mini-group within the workshop I went to in June (she even remembered me). It was great to meet other women on the BC journey - including Alison :-)

I don't know how well I came over. I know I rambled and didn't get to say everything I wanted to as obviously we only got a small amount of time each. But I know it was other parts of the day that were important too, so we'll just have to wait and see. I really want to be a Fairy so so much. I want to be able to continue to support myself in a nurturing environment and at the same time be able to recreate that support for other women and help them to trust themselves.

Only time for a short one - but needed to post the news

2007-11-21T22:37:00.001Z

Well, I went for it. I applied for the Chocolate Fairy training course! I've been invited to a group interview on Saturday which is very exciting. Also a bit nervewracking as I've never done a group interview before. It's such an amazing opportunity though! Eeek.

I love my friends

2007-11-18T10:26:00.000Z

Sorry about the soppy title! I have to confess that when I am feeling down or am lacking in self-confidence (particularly over my body) I just want to hide away. I don't want to see my friends even though logically I know that they are not going to stop being my friend because I've gained a few pounds (or probably even notice to be honest).

Yesterday though we went and made the effort to go and see 3 of our friends that we haven't seen for a couple of months back where we used to live. It was really really lovely to see them. They are probably our closest friends so it was just great to be in their company. We just chatted and caught up with each others news. Then we went on to a really nice pub/restaurant for an evening meal. It specialised in game but they were really nice to me and S and gave us a nice choice of veggie options to pick from. I had the most amazing tomato soup to begin, a mushroom and spinach tagliatelle dish for main course (the sauce was a little rich for my personal taste but the mushrooms were absolutely divine) and finally cherry pie and ice cream for dessert. Gorgeous food! I ate pretty much all of my soup because I was hungry and it was so amazing, but only ate what I genuinely wanted of the other two courses so didn't come out feeling like I was about to burst as I usually do when I go out for a nice meal. I just felt pleasantly full and best of all happy that I had spent the evening in such fantastic company.

I will hopefully get to spend a lot more time with these friends in 2008 as well because - we found a house! We made an offer and it was accepted last weekend so we're now really excited that we're going to be moving back to our old area. The house is stunning too. It's probably slightly smaller than our current one (and more expensive - groan - but we knew that was the price to pay for going back to that area) but is beautifully decorated inside and it just felt 'right'. And I'm in love with the bathroom! Still, I'm getting ahead of myself as we still have to get surveys done etc and nothing is finally until contracts are signed. There's only three houses in our chain though so it's not too bad.

Also I've finally received and started reading Geneen Roth's "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating". Really glad I got it as it's striking a chord with me in the same way as Beyond Chocolate. I'm feeling very confident about my intuitive eating right now.

Update on houses

2007-11-04T08:07:00.000Z

Not really related to eating (other than once we've moved it will remove on of the stresses which makes me overeat) but thought I'd give an update on house hunting.

We did three 2nd viewings yesterday. I think we've ruled two out (I wasn't keen on one and S wasn't keen on the other) but really like the third. We also saw another property - for the first time - which we also liked a lot too. I think we could happily go with one of them but it is still a case of picking. One of the issues we have is size. When we bought our existing place we planned to stay here long enough that we would either have a child and be thinking about a second or have decided we weren't going to have kids at all. So then we'd know whether to buy a bigger house or not. Well we're moving on way sooner than expected and because we're doing that I want to be able to stay put for a good ten years really next time.

As we don't plan on kids for probably another two or three years, it's that toss up between a house that we might grow out of or one that we'd rattle in now and need to grow into. One house is a three bed , stunningly decorated/fitted out and one is a four bed on three storeys. It would probably need a little more doing to it. It's also further from the town and railway station - but it would give more space for kids/guests (our parents and our siblings and their offspring are not local so visits mean full weekends).

At least we're getting somewhere though and hopefully one of them will be the one we move into. We're hoping our buyers will be doing their survey next week as well. They've taken a while but we've not rushed them as we have struggled to find anywhere to move.

Then just need to sort out jobs once that's done. I'm still contemplating Chocolate Fairy training...

There are no mistakes - only new ways of learning

2007-11-04T07:41:00.000Z

I think I've previously been beating myself up when I make 'mistakes' with intuitive eating. Of course, they are not really mistakes - learning what feels wrong is as important as learning what feels right. And I have accepted that fact that I am not going to have entirely focused eating every single meal and every single day. Sometimes I'm going to want to surf the net while I eat my lunch at work. Sometimes I'm going to want to watch a DVD while I eat my takeout (like last night's Chinese - yum!).

I did rather overeat on Friday. S and I went out for a meal with one of his colleagues. We're all veggie so we went to a vegetarian restaurant. We shared a mezze to start and I had lasagna and steamed broccoli for main course. The lasagna was gorgeous - and really solid (not like the sloppy vegetable lasagna you often get out). I only ate about two thirds of it, so stopped when I was satisfied. Except then I had dessert - a chocolate torte which was very rich. Again I probably ate about two thirds (and the men polished the rest off!) which was when I felt I had had enough. But after I felt really stuffed and a bit sick. So I think I should have tuned in a little more a bit earlier on. I think I have now learnt that I either need to skip dessert or if I intend to have it then be brave enough to just order a starter instead of a main or to stop eating my main BEFORE I am satisfied to leave enough space (probably half a main and half a dessert would be perfect for me most of the time).

I'm working through the fifteen days of Chocolate Fairy emails again. Today is the one where you choose a meal to sit and focus so I think I will sit and do that over dinner tonight. I'm still waiting my Geneen Roth book, but hopefully it will arrive soon.

Ooh, and I bought some new clothes in the sale the other day too. Only three plain t-shirts but they fit well and will do nicely under a cardi. A little part of me is sad that I have to buy a 14 rather than a 10 now but mostly I just want clothes that fit and feel good (I am between a 12 and a 14 in some shops and a 14 and 16 in others - but virtually never seem to be dead on a 14 anywhere!). Oh, and the fact that two of the t-shirts were 75p each and the other 90p was a bonus!

Chilled

2007-10-21T16:55:00.000+01:00

As S is feeling a bit ill, we've had a bit of a lazy weekend. I was a bit anxious about it on Friday as it's meant we had to cancel all our house viewings, and I'm getting a bit worried it's taking us so long to find somewhere to buy. This on top of being somewhat unhappy at work is not helping.

Still, it's actually been really nice to just have a chilled out weekend and actually enjoy (as opposed to having a lazy weekend and feeling guilty because I 'should' have been doing x, y, or z).

Went to the cinema last night and saw Stardust. Lovely film - really enjoyed it. Today we just went for a mooch and had lunch out in Wetherspoons. We both had the nut roast and trimmings. I only ate half of mine but really enjoyed it. I'm so much better at tuning in to when I'm full when I eat out. I was a bit disappointed that I was too full for dessert but I bought some fresh cream chocolate eclairs in Sainsburys so I'll look forward to one of those with a cup of tea this evening. Yum!!

Feels like winter

2007-10-20T15:19:00.000+01:00

I can't believe how cold it has got lately. I might have to dig out my winter coat at this rate. Well, correction, I might have to buy a new one as my existing one is a bit too snug. Yes, I planned that I would lose weight over the summer and fit back into it again by the time the cold weather came around. Well, I didn't lose the weight. That's because - surprise, surprise - the whole "I'm going to start a diet...properly this time...no cheating...no chocolate...no cake...oh bugger it I've eaten some - I might as well have three more slices and start again tomorrow..." cycle hasn't worked this year any more than any other year.

My gremlin (going to have to name her I think) keeps saying "Yes, well it's not like doing BC is getting the weight off you any quicker is it? You went to that workshop months ago and you haven't lost a single lb!". And she's right. But, firstly, I've not been focusing on the principles as much as I'd like to as other life stuff has come up (and I recognise that that's OK, which is a step in itself) and, secondly, BC is not primarily about losing weight. It's about tackling the problem and not the symptoms.

I think part of me really hoped that BC was going to be a miracle cure. That everything would click into place and suddenly I'd be dropping lbs a week (kinda like a diet really...). Of course, it isn't a miracle and it isn't a quick fix. But I truly believe it does - and will - work. When I think about the time in my life when I was at my slimmest, it wasn't because I dieted. It was when I was enjoying my life and enjoying my food (in fact if anything I was probably eating quite a lot of 'junk' then).

Well, I'm going to go and read some other blogs now - I've been neglecting them almost as much as my own!

Still tired!

2007-09-25T21:42:00.000+01:00

Gosh, it's been nearly a month since I last wrote a blog entry. Sadly, not much has changed and my 'healthy eating September' totally hasn't happened.

I'm very unforginivng of my body at the moment and seem to have abandoned all of the BC principles. Grrr.

I'm also just really tired at the moment. Our house is now under offer but we haven't found anywhere to move to yet and there seem to be less and less properties coming on the market these past few weeks. I feel like my lunchtimes and evenings are tied up with house hunting and then weekends with doing viewings. With a long commute to work as well, we're both just exhausted.

It actually feels like too much effort most of the time to even decide what I might want to eat (literally nothing appeals to me most days) never mind cook or prepare it or make time to exercise.

I do want to get back to trying BC - I've not given up on it yet, although some days I feel like I'd just be better trying to follow a diet. I might try reading the book again soon to see if that helps!

Tired and hung over

2007-08-31T21:50:00.000+01:00

I have not stopped eating this week. And not stopped to intuitively eat either. I feel a bit guilty that I'm writing this blog on intuitive eating and yet actually eating that way hardly ever right now. I still believe it's the right way. I just don't seem to be able to break out of my old habits at the moment. And - although it may not work - I think I'm going to try combining it with a slight bit of 'healthy eating' regime (I don't want to say the D word as I've no intention of weighing food or counting nano-fats or whatever it is). I just really feel like I'm not getting past 'eat what you want' and I'm eating rubbish which is making my lethargic, cranky and, obviously, fatter.

It's definitely been a comfort eating week. We had some of S's family up last weekend which I found a little stressful to be honest. This weekend we're off to see my mum as she's had an op on her wrist. Nothing serious but I worry about her pushing it, as is her way!

Last night was a posh party (work-related). It was at a trendy club in London which is not really my scene. So I had to wear my poshest dress as it was the only thing I had that was suitable (which I haven't worn in three years as that was the last time I had a similar occasion - so naturally I didn't want to fork out £100 on another dress I wouldn't wear for three more years). I love the dress but am about 12lb heavier than when I bought it so it was really tight on the bust and somewhat uncomfortable. Also the free bar combined with no dinner last night lead to a bit of a hang over today!

So my hang over food today has consisted of: 2 cream crackers, 2 packets crisps, 1 Starbucks cinnamon swirl, 1 cheese baguette, 1 sliver choc cake (someone's leaving thing at work), half pkt dried mango (shared with S), medium Dominos pizza, 2 diet cokes, 2 peppermint teas, 2 glasses water and a glass of smoothie. Ouch!! I so need some vegetables in my life. I really think I want to aim for a healthy eating September. I deserve it and so does my body. I'm sick of being tired.

Where did the sun go?

2007-08-23T21:02:00.000+01:00

Can't believe how cold it's been. Not impressed.

Still feeling a bit low. I'm not doing a diet. I know that calorie counting is just going to make me obsessive and grumpy. I can't let go of the wanting to lose weight though right now. I also need to start listening to what my body needs as well as what my tastebuds want. I know that my highly processed diet is not doing my energy levels any good. Or my wallet given that my latest obsessions seem to be veggie patty subs from Subway and cinnamon swirls from Starbucks.

Also feeling pre-menstrual at the moment which really isn't helping. I actually burst into tears at work yesterday (after having a difficult person on the phone).

OK, to tired to blog much more so will leave on a positive note. Had estate agent round last night for a valuation on our house. The figure he gave us was a good 10k higher than what I had guessed so really pleased with that! Going to get another valuation on Saturday and we'll take it from there!

Feeling low

2007-08-17T22:41:00.000+01:00

Well, I got my suit ok. It's a size 14 and actually a bit snug (but 16s were too big and time was severely an issue!). Anyway, didn't do me much good. I thought my interview went ok if slightly weird. But then found out yesterday I didn't make it through to second interview stage. So now I really don't know what I want to do. I like my job generally and the sector I work in and the people I work with. However, as the company has recently restructured I feel like my job is going to be changing more and more towards doing something I don't want to do. And I don't know that I can really have much input in doing anything about it. Also the commute is getting me down. I'm always tired and have just picked up my fourth cold this year.

If I leave my job though, I also have to bear in mind that we want to move house (to a new area) so realistically I may have to wait until we move house first as I will want to shorten my commute if I don't stay put at my current workplace. We're going to view eight houses tomorrow. But ours isn't even on the market yet so don't know how far we will get.

I just feel like right now there is no area of my life about which I feel positive. Every area needs a lot of change and so to say I'm feeling sorry for myself is an understatement. My weight certainly isn't helping either.

Intuitive eating still not going that well really at the moment. I bought a diet mag yesterday though determined that I was going to go on a diet instead and 'do' BC once I'm 'thin'. But reading it, I just thought 'this diet stuff sounds like a load of rubbish'. I used to lap up those magazines but it just really didn't hold the same appeal. I mean I found myself reading an article comparing brands of prepackaged cauliflower cheese and checking out which had the least calories! I've never bought prepackaged cauliflower cheese in my life and why the heck would I want to!

Just feeling like I really need to sort my life out. Or maybe I could hibernate for six months and a good fairy will sort it all out for me.

Up and down

2007-08-09T22:16:00.000+01:00

Good news is ....I got an interview for that internal job I want!! They are interviewing eight external candidates as well though, so I have competition.

Bad news is...feeling nervous about said and interview and also feeling very crap about my body. I need to buy a new suit for this interview but have tried on a good few this evening on my way home and nothing looks nice on. Also I don't want to spend lots of money on it because I don't wear suits normally and I do intend to lose this weight one way or another!

Bah - please tell me I'm not a lost cause!

Potter and pizza

2007-08-07T21:39:00.000+01:00

Had another bad day in terms of not eating mindfully. Both breakfast and lunch were at my desk which is never good as I don't properly focus on what I'm eating. Dinner was pizza from Dominoes which we ate in front of the TV whilst watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I probably ate at least one slice more than I really wanted as I was concentrating on the TV and not the food!

I know BC is not about doing it all perfectly and following every principle to the letter (because that would make them rules!!) but I think the three that will be key to me are:

Put it on a plate and focus
Move
Own your body

The first is key because I currently eat whilst doing other things most of the time. I really think this accounts for most of my overeating. The second is key because I know that I feel a lot better for it - even if it doesn't help with weight loss, I hate being lethargic and having achy joints and just generally feeling unfit. The third is key because I hate my body and have a real tendency to take the attitude of putting things off (including taking care of my appearance) until I am this magical clothes size that I may or may not ever achieve again.

I'm blogging again - it must be Sunday

2007-08-05T09:20:00.000+01:00

I really would like to make time to blog more than once a week. I'd like to say it's my whirlwind of a highly exciting social life that's kept me away, but sadly that would be a lie! My social life is, in fact, not great because my self- esteem is low (partly due to my weight, partly due to other stuff) that I just don't want to socialise as I feel so crappy about myself and my life.

Whilst I know IE is the answer to sorting out my issues and attitude to food long term, I can't shake of the desperation to lose weight and to make that the priority. I know you have to lose that desperation for IE to fully work but there's just a huge part of me that thinks 'if I could lose two stone, I'd look good and then I could focus on this IE stuff to make sure I get out of this cycle'.

I desperately need new clothes but struggle to find things that fit well or look nice. I did buy a few things yesterday but the fit wasn't perfect (I seem to be a 12/14 on the top and a 14/16 on the bottom at the mo) and I didn't feel amazing in them but it really is a case that one physically has to have clothes to wear! Had to buy a new sports bra as well. Went to Bravissimo which specialises in larger busts. I'm now a 34F - my boobs just keep growing!!

I weighed myself this morning (I don't think I'll ever be a non-weigher but I'm going to try to do it monthly rather than weekly and maybe even less once I feel settled into IE properly). I'm up another 1.5lb. Now 10st 4.5lb . Not pleased, though frankly I wouldn't have been pleased if it said I'd lost half a stone as I can feel my clothes have got tighter (which logically shows how much use scales really aren't...).

So, feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment. Still waiting to hear if I have an interview for this job at my work, still feeling rubbish about the way I look, still no further with househunting, still tired and lethargic.

It's all or nothing - and nothing's all I ever get

2007-07-29T21:48:00.000+01:00

Excuse the Meat Loaf lyric for a post title. I was just feeling extremely guilty as I've not posted on here in a week. And then I thought that really sounded like my 'all or nothing' thinking again. If I don't write every day, then I shouldn't have a blog. Sounds a bit like if I'm not going to go to the gym five times a week, there's no point me going at all. Hmmmmm.

Well, my cold seems to have cleared, but I'm still tired a lot. I really don't seem to have any energy lately.

I seem to have had another week of varying success with intuitive eating. It's been a really hectic week at work so I've been eating at my desk a lot and working at the same time. I've eaten out a few times this week too and not focused too much. I did avoid ice cream at the cinema this week though - now I've realised I only have it out of habit and not because I really want it.

I really want to put more effort into my appearance and my body in the coming weeks so I don't hate what I see in the mirror so much. I know I can't magically do anything about my size in the short term, but I also feel like I dress very boringly, my skin tone is yukky and my hair is frizzy and I just don't feel very attractive at all. I also need to get moving as well as I'm very inactive at the moment.

Other stuff going on in my life. Well, we want to move house so we're currently trying to figure what mortgage we could afford. We really miss living where we used to live. It's sad we've only lived here fifteen months and expensive that\we want to move again so soon, but neither of us have really settled.

I'll write more another time but I have Sunday night blues and am feeling somewhat crappy about my life at the moment.

Checking in

2007-07-22T22:02:00.000+01:00

I've not had time to blog the last few days, so thought I'd check in. It's been a bit of a mixed week.

I went back to work on Wednesday (although frankly I think it was a day too early in hindsight) and then on to the BC support session in the evening. It was really good. Nine of us from the workshop went and we all had a chance to talk about our experiences so far. Sophie was really helpful and it was great to see how the others were getting on to.

The rest of this week I don't think I've been doing too well with the intuitive eating. I seem to have focused on 'eat what you want' and not much else- using it as a license to stuff my face. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. At least I am noticing what I am doing which is still a step, if only a small one

Last night we went to see the Harry Potter film (very enjoyable!) and I had ice cream because hubby was. I really didn't enjoy it though and came to the conclusion that other than the odd occasion when I really fancy it (usually when it's a hot day - back in the day when we used to get those!), I don't really enjoy ice cream that much at all!

Today I also ate banoffee pie after my lunch when I was full. And then two hours later polished off a couple of biscuits when I had a cup of tea. Just mindless eating really. On the plus side, I didn't' buy chocolate at the supermarket. I usually buy a bar (when I'm shopping alone) to eat on the walk home. I didn't fancy it today but stuck a Crunchie in my basket. I tuned in when I was in the queue and - realising I didn't fancy it at all - took it back out again!

I also made it to the gym today. Only managed about 25 minutes (20 mins weight machines and five mins on the treadmill) but it was a start. I'm so unfit!! And my boobs seems to have grown yet again so I need to buy a new sports bra.

Finally, I've decided I might start patronising M&S for fruit. A friend came by on Saturday for lunch and brought with him some cherries and grapes from there. They were all gorgeous. So I think I might say blow the extra expense and get some nice yummy fruit from there this week.

Feeling fat but also positive

2007-07-17T19:57:00.000+01:00

Off work again today. Still snuffling. Still, I've managed to get lots of sleep today which is always my favourite remedy when I'm not well. That and rich tea biscuits - though that's more when I'm nauesous not coldy.

Hoping I'll be well enough to go back to work tomorrow. Not entirely altruistic thought though as the follow-up support session for the BC workshop I went to is tomorrow night. So hoping I'm feeling ok.

Feeling quite fat today. I'm trying to be kind to myself (gave myself a bit of a pedicure earlier) but sometimes I catch myself thinking 'I just want to be thin'. Two things keep me going. One is the support of the Beyond Chocolaters - the forum is a lifesaver - and the other is knowing that at my thinnest I was more or less intuitively eating. Of course, I didn't know that was what it was called and I was not deliberately trying to do it, but that was when the weight came off. So, I do believe that that is my 'natural' weight. This is bad news from the point of view that it makes it harder for me to love my body now. But it's good news from the point of view that I KNOW that eventually this will work and that the weight will come off. But also that it's not the real goal (or not the only one at least). I'd rather be a size 14 and find confidence than a size 8 and be miserable. Though - of course- I'd rather have my cake and eat it!

Feeding a cold

2007-07-16T21:34:00.000+01:00

I've stayed home from work today as I didn't feel well enough to go in. Mostly have just been reading, sleeping and watching Neighbours and Charmed. And eating. I seem to have not stopped eating today. I've not really been doing it mindfully, but I decided today to allow myself to eat whatever I felt or needed as I know I use food when I'm ill to cheer me up. So I'm actually managing to not feel guilty - despite eating two eccles cakes one after the other at about 8:30 this morning!

Hoping this cold goes soon though. They always make me feel a bit useless!

I hate being ill :-(

2007-07-15T21:52:00.000+01:00

I have a right stinker of a cold. This must be about the fourth one this year. I don't normally get this ill but this year I'm getting everything going. I think it's a combination of an unbalanced diet, commuting and stress.

It's been three weeks since I attended the BC workshop and I've reread the book again since then. I've done pretty well at legalising my forbideen foods but sometimes I do just find myself think I'm just in an 'off the diet' phase. I know that my mindset isn't going to change completely overnight though and I no more expect it to than I expect to wake up a size 8 tomorrow. Hey, it's taken fifteen years to get me into this state, it's going to take more than three weeks to feel ok about myself again. But I feel ok about that.

I've certainly been feeding my cold this weekend and probably not eating as mindfully as I could have been. I've tried to eat at least some of my meals at the table though to allow me to focus. But I know I've had at least a few things that in hindsight I neither needed nor wanted. Still, even recognising that is progress I suppose!

My body image is very poor at the moment. Doesn't help that with the cold, I'm all red nosed and bleary eyed! And I suffer from melasma, so my skin gets me down as well as my body. I'm still adjusting to being a size 14 again and the fact that my body seems to have changed shape as I've put on weight. It seems to be hard to find things that fit well, which is frustrating. I really want to make more effort to make me feel good about my body.

Some background

2007-07-15T21:03:00.000+01:00

Ah, where to start...?

I suppose my bad relationship with food and my body started at around age 13. I mean, heck, being 13 is pretty sucky at the best of times, isn't it?! I so wouldn't be that age again for the world. I was bullied at school and felt really alone. I started comfort eating to make myself feel better. Part of me wanted to lose myself in food. The other part figured I'd be more popular if I was as slim as the other girls. I'd often skip both breakfast and lunch in a bid to be thin. Then of course, by the time school was over for the day I'd be ravenous. So I'd inevitably spend my dinner money on the way home on chocolate, crisps, biscuits, Coke - whatever! I became quite a pro at working out how to get the most amount of food for my £1 (cheap biscuits were always a winner!). I left school at 16 - and did my A levels at college - as I was so desperately unhappy. I was at my heaviest weight at this point. 11st and one the large side of a size 16.

At 17 i was adding a new facet to the starve-binge cycle - purging. Thankfully this only went on for a few months, but it was a horrible time none the less. I got myself some counselling at the college and stopped making myself sick and bingeing so often but food was still my crutch.

Life got much better at uni. It was a chance to make a new start. I made lots of good friends, took up dancing, met my now-husband and just generally enjoyed myself. I was dancing around 7 hours a week (line dancing and ballroom) and eating whatever I wanted. During my three years at uni I went from 10st 2lb (size 14) to 8st 4lb (size 10) without even trying! Now looking back on it, this was the closest period in my life to intuitive eating - not bingeing and not dieting, just doing what felt natural.

In the past eight years, my weight has yo-yoed up and down from a size 10 to a 14 lots of times as I've alternately taken comfort in food and weighed out every morsel to the nearest calorie. I'm now married and have some very good friends (mostly male though, so to some extent I don't think they will fully understand the female diet/binge cycle - although I know some men go through it as well). I know they love me but I still don't love myself. That's what I want to achieve.

I read Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin last year. I liked the idea of intuitive eating but didn't like the idea of all the tapping or that it was still basically touted as a diet. I found the book interesting but never 'did' the diet as deep down I knew it wouldn't work. Just like everything else. Then a few months ago, I came across Beyond Chocolate and found myself faced with the intuitive eating concept once again. I bought the book and for the first time, I really felt a book on the subject of weight actually spoke to me. That the problem isn't really about weight - that weight is just the symptom! I felt like a light had gone on in my head. And so I booked myself on the next BC workshop, which was a real eye opener. I wasn't alone! Other people were going through this too! And all wasn't hopeless - I could start making changes to my life. And it didn't mean counting calories, sticking to rigid rules or going to the gym five times a week. A life Beyond Chocolate is not about a life WITHOUT chocolate!

It's been three weeks since that workshop and already I feel a little better in myself. I still haven't mastered tuning in properly and I still hate my body to be honest. But I feel like there's hope. And that it's a journey I'm willing to make. This blog is about that journey.